Back to my "Roots" ...

I went to an art opening the other night (check it out, its really good work: http://www.markbrodkin.com/Mark_Brodkin_Photography/Home.html). My friend, Michael, and I decided to walk down since it is not too far from where I live. Donning my goose down, a practical yet stylish pair of knee high boots, skinny jeans and a little tunic top, I was out the door. As we arrived, I wondered if we were at the right event: there were women dressed to the nines .. I'm talking diamonds, heels that made the shortest legs look 7 feet tall and backless, sequins tops on skinny little frames. Well people, a feeling of deja-vu ran through me like a arctic stream, sending chills up my neck (if you haven't already read it, please see "In the Nude"). As I peeled off my goose down to expose my cotton tunic and argyle arm warmers, I gulped down any humiliation, straightened my back and thanked myself for being intuitive enough to put on a little make-up and a set of pearls.
In the centre of the room there were an amalgamation of couches, a little bar and a DJ set-up. The thing that I noticed immediately was that no one was actually looking at the art .. Michael and I did however, and were pleasantly surprised at its beauty and the artist's ability to capture a moment.
I took some time between photographs to be a typical woman, admiring some of the styles: I decided which women's boots I liked most, decided whose make-up was the most flattering and realized that no matter how good it looked on someone else, a backless sequin top in November would simply accentuate my smurf-like skin (see "hey Blue Legs..)!
Fast forward to the next day's shopping trip. Since I've been a maniac purger (see Clear House, Clear Mind), it has come to my attention that I no longer have winter boots! Being newly inspired by the styles of the night before, shopping seemed like a reasonable way to spend a few hours. This became an interesting exercise: instead of gravitating to the usual flat, functional yet stylish boot that I general go for, I found myself, store after store, putting high heeled boots on hold. I would try them on and they would make me feel sexy and womanly and desirable. There were moments when it seemed completely rational to drop a few hundred dollars on an entirely fashionable purchase. In the throws of internal conflict, I sat down on a bench and considered my options: (1) freeze your feet to the point of near amputation and smoosh them into a shoe that will contribute to the development of bunions to feel sexy or (2) find sexy within and buy a boot that will facilitate beautiful AND comfortable winter walks in the city; no amputation, no post-surgery recovery time required.
Before finishing off my boot shopping tale, let me add this: I spoke to my ex this morning. He just got into town from Trinidad (where we used to own an organic farm together and where he has now relocated to). He told me of his absolute shock when he saw the completely full, Yorkdale mall parking lot from the highway. In asking his driver what was going on at the mall to prompt such a crowd, the driver responded, "People are shopping". It is easy to forget in a society of consumerism that we are complete and whole just the way we are: no pair of boots, no slinky top, no diamond bracelet will change that (although, I will not deny that these are nice to have)!
My shopping trip ended at ROOTS, where my money went to supporting a Canadian company. I picked up a pair of nice winter boots that will keep my feet warm, will be comfortable to wear and whose sexiness will be reflected by the level of sexiness that I radiate from within!

Clear House, Clear Mind

In preparation to move house, I have committed myself to the act of purging. It seems easy enough when you think about it: just look through your stuff and get rid of the stuff that no longer serves a purpose in your life. I have purged in the past, but never so intensely as I am purging now. I am not sure what has prompted the intensity of this purge; perhaps my promise to move forward in my life once and for all or perhaps the feeling of stagnation that any excess seems to create or perhaps a combination of these coupled with the intention to finally attract the future I wish to have. Regardless, I have embraced this process with such fervour that it has frightened those close to me!
As frightening as my trance-like state is, it has facilitated a process of absolute change. This change, although necessary, has not been entirely easy. The emotional energy wrapped up in something as simple as a Nike track suit is so intense that it has left me whimpering like an infant for hours! Some of my purge has demanded that I critically assess my emotional association to objects and my need to preserve past relationships: both romantic and familial. I have observed the excessive emotional energy I've put into material objects: whether it's jewelery or pair of my ex's pajama pants or my deceased mother's hand knitted sweater, putting them in the purge bag tears at my heart. I don't completely know why since the jewelery that my ex bought me is not longer anything I would wear, his pajama pants don't fit and are practically rags and the keeping the knitted sweater of my mother's is not going to result in her coming back. But still, the emotional ties are strongly present and unless I cut those ties once and for all, they will continue to consume valuable emotional energy that I could be spending more wisely on other aspects of my life.
I have noticed in my process that I can only do a little at a time: too much seems too emotional and too overwhelming. After getting over the initial emotional shock of letting go, a clarity of mind is achieved. There is something to be said for the fung shui concept of clutter: clutter in the home results in clutter the mind. It makes sense: the more energy tied up in the stuff that you have, the less energy there is to devote to clear and calculated thinking. With every full bag of Goodwill items, an equal weight is lifted off my shoulders: with more room in my living space, both physical and emotional, I have more room to accomodate new objects, new experiences and new people.
As difficult as this process has been, it has also been refreshing. I look forward to a new future in which, every time I search my closet for something that's been hastily tossed into the purge bag, I give myself yet another, very reasonable excuse to go shopping! And every time I look to something material to satisfy my emotional need to feel close to my mother, I choose instead to look inside myself at the woman that she had such a significant influence in creating.

Positive Vibes

Life brings us messages that are received if we are open enough to pay attention. I happened upon the above three wonderful, positive, little messages in my travels around the world in the last few months and I thought I would share them with you guys. The first photo is so full of love and totally made my morning when I was half asleep walking to a course I took at Harvard University. The second photo was taken today at my local organic market .. it made me giggle! The last was taken in Cabbagetown this summer .. there is nothing like defacing a stop sign with a beautiful message of empowerment! Love it!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend you guys: take time to see the messages .. smile with others and with life! :)

Breaking the Athlete's Heart

Breaking some one's heart is easy. There are the typical ways often seen in relationships: cheating, saying hurtful things, being neglectful .. but, although popular, these are not specific to athletes. So how, exactly, do you break an athletes heart?
I once dated a competitive cyclist. Although a wonderful man with beautiful legs, he was one of the athletes I'm referencing who's heart had broken. At the age of 36, while racing, his heart went from about 180 beats/minute to about 30 beats/minute in a matter of seconds. This resulted in a crash off the bike, unconsciousness, a few weeks in the ICU and an operation to install a pace maker that re-activates his heart if it plummets below a certain value. Interestingly, he is one of three competitive cyclist men that I know with heart conditions. So what's up with this? Isn't exercise supposed to make you healthier?!
A friend recently sent me a link written by researcher Dr. Andre La Gerche. I'm not sure that this was sent to me for the actual reading, or due to my dating a broken hearted athlete or simply because there is a picture of Dr. La Gerche and he's really hot (see above)! Regardless, I'll take the opportunity to summarize the article and its insightful points.
This is what happens when you are active: your heart beats faster and harder to accommodate for the muscles' demands for oxygen. Over time, with regular exercise, the heart gets bigger (like any muscle that is exercised). This growth increases efficiency. Studies have shown that if the exercise ceases, the heart muscle in a normal individual (verses an elite athlete) returns to its original size over time. In the elite athlete, things are different: the heart muscle does not return to normal. It is speculated that this change in size may interfere with co-ordination of electrical impulses that move through the heart that initiate contraction: this disruption can cause arrhythmia or irregular heart contraction.
So, we know that the heart gets bigger but is this growth normal muscle growth? Any muscle under trauma, including the heart, can develop scar tissue (or fibrotic tissue hypertrophy). Scar tissue does not have the flexibility and structure of normal muscle tissue. It is projected that the presence of scar tissue within the heart muscle may inhibit normal function of the heart. In order to determine this, a scope of the heart would have to be preformed in order to properly assess fibrotic tissue development and its impact .. this is a difficult procedure if the athlete is actually alive.
On the dead, elite athlete Ryan Shay, however, a post-2008 marathon trial autopsy WAS done. Interestingly, it revealed a over sized heart with fibrotic (scar) tissue development. There is no real physiology to explain this occurrence. All we really know is that it is not normal, it likely had an impact on how his heart functioned and it may be happening in other well conditioned athletes.
How does this information translate to the recreational athlete? In short, it doesn't! The physiological implications of training at more than 50% of your maximum output as a seasoned athlete has not been adequately studied .. this is where the hot Dr. La Gerche comes in!
What we do know is that moderate exercise is really good for you. Jogging, cycling and swimming at 50% of your maximum output improves blood sugar levels, cardiovascular conditioning, lung capacity, mood and body composition. Exerting yourself regularly on hard rides that push your limits may be causing heart damage rather than heart health. However, be consoled: you are more likely to get hit by a car than die of a heart attack on your ride! As for me, at this point, I like to think that I am more likely to experience heart break from love than from athletics!

The Col de Roselend, France ..

OK peeps: you guys have been harassing me about not seeing pictures of my trip. Let me start with these .. this is the Col de Roseland, the day #2 of my crazy, mountain adventure in France. Oh, how I long for the mountains!!! Enjoy .. more to come ..

Hey Blue-Legs ...

Date after winter date with a variety of men would illicit the same eventual question, "So, what exactly is wrong with your hands .. I mean, why are they blue"?
I have Raynaud's Disease. I know, it sounds serious .. but its really not; it's merely a spasm of arterioles (small capillaries) usually in the digits (fingers) which causes intermittent pallour (paleness) and cyanosis (the blue hue that appears when tissue is oxygen deprived). The most serious consequence I have experienced of having Raynaud's Disease is being forced to adopt the nick-name "blue-legs" throughout high school, coined after changing into shorts in preparation for gym class!
I'm not going to bore you with the pathophysiology, diagnostics and treatment of Raynaud's Disease. Instead, this blog entry is one that encourages absolute acceptance of the self: fully and completely. Raynaud's is a very small one of the many shortcomings that I have had to come to terms with in my life. Being teased about my discoloured hands and legs wasn't always easy, but it did remind me that, although I look like a smurf every time the temperature drops below 30 degrees Celsius, at least I have hands and legs that work.
Life is full of opportunities and challenges for self acceptance: from who we are genetically to who we become by the decisions we make, from the few pounds we gain over the winter, to the hasty comments we make that hurt the people we love, from our undesirable toes to the undesirable patterns we repeat. As unfavourable as they are, all of these have the potential for absolute self-love.
So what's the magic recipe to snap out of self loathing and into self-adoration?
Considering the following:
1) Do something you're really good at: it's hard to hate yourself when you think you're totally awesome!
2) Put some fantastic clothes on and accentuate your assets. If you're a woman, take the time to curl your eyelashes and powder your nose. When you're feeling not so great on the inside, sometimes the outside pretending becomes your new reality.
3) If the things you're having a hard time accepting are things you can change, then start the process. If it's weight you have to lose, commit to better food choices. Until the weight is gone, be sure to thank every last pound for facilitating a self love that has helped you make necessary lifestyle changes.
4) Try the Buddhist approach of compassion: whenever you notice condemning self judgement creeping into your thoughts, soften your tone and treat yourself like you would your own small child. Talk yourself out of judgement and into compassion and encouragement. You wouldn't condemn and criticize a child that you love, you why would you do it to yourself?
5) Try not to take yourself so seriously. Learn to laugh: it is kind of funny that that I look like a smurf after all! Eyelashes curled and nose powdered, that's Smurfette to you! :)

In the midst of change ...

"The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress".
~Charles F. Kettering~

In the Native Indian tradition, the seasons initiate the flow of life: in the spring, new ideas are born; in the summer, those ideas are fed to flourish; in the fall, the ideas that have thrived are kept, those that have struggled are discarded; in the winter, the limited energy we have goes into the ideas that have been selectively kept. It is a flow of spreading energy into a vast space of potential and allowing that potential to expand. And then, suddenly and oppositely, cutting that very potential back mercilessly into a pinpoint focus in which to truly create.

This is the season of discarding stagnant ideas in favour of those which are continuing to bloom. In looking around my social network, I see my my walking buddy who has decided to suddenly quit her job in favour of exploring a new, professional direction. I see one of my soul sisters considering a move to a different country, giving up all that she knows here and taking a risk on another, more spiritually fulfilling life. One couple I know has just gotten pregnant and is looking forward to moving into an entirely new realm of their dynamic; another set of close friends are moving to a tropical country and starting a business there; my teacher friend and his partner are moving into a house they never thought they could afford and buying chic, new furniture to decorate their new lives. I could go on .. and I will to say that I am also experiencing a post-1-month-vacation, re-evaluation of my life.

I haven't written in my blog for almost 2 weeks now. In this two weeks, I have made decisions that are throwing me into the whirl-wind of shifting my life. These decisions feel like a big, huge step back that will eventually facilitate a gigantic, catapult ahead. In this perceived step back, I find myself in a place of "instability"; a place of unbelievably, undeniable fear that all that I know to be my life is going to metamorphose into an entirely different reality - a reality that may be no better that what I have now and, even worse, a reality that I might totally not like!

Change is hard. The fear associated with change is even harder. There are always bad days in the process that make you question whether taking a risk has been worth the difficulty. Then there will be days in which the entirety of your vision comes together before your eyes and all the fear, the angst, the apprehension will fall away. Creating our lives is an experience that will push us beyond living in the comfort of day-to-day: it is an experience that will help us see our true potential and force us to step up and forage ahead when the obstacles seem insurmountable. It will provide an excitement and a personal satisfaction that is only found through facing and over coming hardship.

So, to all those people that are looking major life change straight in the eye, allow yourself to welcome it, without fear! After all, the best part of changing things in your life is that if you don't like the result, you can keep changing them until you do!