Saturday, November 20, 2010
Clear House, Clear Mind
In preparation to move house, I have committed myself to the act of purging. It seems easy enough when you think about it: just look through your stuff and get rid of the stuff that no longer serves a purpose in your life. I have purged in the past, but never so intensely as I am purging now. I am not sure what has prompted the intensity of this purge; perhaps my promise to move forward in my life once and for all or perhaps the feeling of stagnation that any excess seems to create or perhaps a combination of these coupled with the intention to finally attract the future I wish to have. Regardless, I have embraced this process with such fervour that it has frightened those close to me!
As frightening as my trance-like state is, it has facilitated a process of absolute change. This change, although necessary, has not been entirely easy. The emotional energy wrapped up in something as simple as a Nike track suit is so intense that it has left me whimpering like an infant for hours! Some of my purge has demanded that I critically assess my emotional association to objects and my need to preserve past relationships: both romantic and familial. I have observed the excessive emotional energy I've put into material objects: whether it's jewelery or pair of my ex's pajama pants or my deceased mother's hand knitted sweater, putting them in the purge bag tears at my heart. I don't completely know why since the jewelery that my ex bought me is not longer anything I would wear, his pajama pants don't fit and are practically rags and the keeping the knitted sweater of my mother's is not going to result in her coming back. But still, the emotional ties are strongly present and unless I cut those ties once and for all, they will continue to consume valuable emotional energy that I could be spending more wisely on other aspects of my life.
I have noticed in my process that I can only do a little at a time: too much seems too emotional and too overwhelming. After getting over the initial emotional shock of letting go, a clarity of mind is achieved. There is something to be said for the fung shui concept of clutter: clutter in the home results in clutter the mind. It makes sense: the more energy tied up in the stuff that you have, the less energy there is to devote to clear and calculated thinking. With every full bag of Goodwill items, an equal weight is lifted off my shoulders: with more room in my living space, both physical and emotional, I have more room to accomodate new objects, new experiences and new people.
As difficult as this process has been, it has also been refreshing. I look forward to a new future in which, every time I search my closet for something that's been hastily tossed into the purge bag, I give myself yet another, very reasonable excuse to go shopping! And every time I look to something material to satisfy my emotional need to feel close to my mother, I choose instead to look inside myself at the woman that she had such a significant influence in creating.